Ferguson coy on Tevez

The news that Carlo Tevez may leave Manchester United FC has left the sports media gasping for air. What, with this news, Ronaldo's annoyance at getting substituted and the fact that Ferrari may not be racing cars around a circuit, it's a surprise that more people are not predicting the end of our present civilization as we know it.

Sorry to be facetious but Tevez is a scampering little gnasher of a footballer with the looks but not the true heroic qualities of Quasimodo (I doubt that he'd martyr himself for Nani). He is a decent enough footballer but, as with the majority, over-hyped to the extreme. He is not that good. I don't see him performing breathtaking skill - which is how I judge a "great" forward.

If he moves, he moves. Contrary to expectations, the equilibrium of the earth did not shatter on Beckham moving to Spain - or to USA - or to Italy. (Maybe the Americans wish it had). Football transfers really are not worth hyperventilating about - or even caring that much about. The media pump them up and desperately try to excite extreme emotions to...yup...make money.

Any half-educated, sane person, no matter how footy-loving, should not be overly concerned with ANY football transfer rumour.

I have a different take on the BBC's headline "Ferguson Coy On Tevez"

Sir Alex Ferguson has refused to comment on the rumours surrounding the extra-terrestrial origins of Carlos Tevez. Ferguson's failure to dismiss the story has only added fuel to the furnace of sensation that has engulfed the world's media and left football a long forgotten subject. Football may never be the same.

Last week a newspaper published incredible details about the Argentinian footballer, Carlos Tevez. The report, attributed to a mystery Man U insider, alleged that Tevez is a master of black magic and that he has been using these supernatural skills to aid his team. Amongst the most alarming of a mind-boggling set of accusations is the claim that Tevez owns a doll in the figure of the Arsenal manager, Arsene Wenger, which he ritually smacks with a variety of Noddy Books (Enid Blyton) and a copy of Silas Marner (George Eliot). The allegations claim that this is an act of voodoo black magic which has disbalanced the mind of Wenger into believing that butt-clenching prudence and a bunch of youngsters will bring him untold glory.

The allegations go on to claim that Tevez has been using his "brain energy" to manipulate the flight of the ball in matches. The famed Cristiano Ronaldo dipping free kick, it has been claimed, is actually the work of Tevez, as he sits on the sidelines with "bulging eyes" muttering feverishly and stroking his hair. These incredible claims seem to be the stuff of magical fiction - Harry Potter or Twilight - but the consequences for the game are beyond quantification. Cristiano Ronaldo is said to be "devastated" to hear that he was not responsible for the free kick goals. His agent has said that that Ronaldo has adopted black garments to reflect his state of mourning and not eaten for days and will be moving to Real Madrid.

The unearthly claims go on and on. It is said that Tevez, in a pique of frustration one day, made Dimitar Berbatov's shorts slip down as the Bulgarian was training. Remarkably, Berbatov is said to have happily continued to play with his boxer shorts proudly on show. In fact, reports suggest that he upped his game and actually broke into a trot, for a couple of minutes. Berbatov is said to have later cursed his choice of not wearing Y-fronts on that particular day. A request by to train without shorts again was subsequently turned down by Man U management.

This remarkable ability of Tevez has, it has been suggested, been hushed up by Alex Ferguson to gain an unfair advantage on the opposition. No-one knows the full extent to which Tevez has been using his shamanic nouse to promote his team's cause. The skills of magical ball manipulation and short-dropping, allegedly performed by Tevez, brings into serious question the legality of Tevez playing in a league of humans. FIFA are yet to comment but an investigation must be inevitable.

The story revives memories of the saga surrounding the legality of Tevez's loan move to West Ham. Former West Ham boss, Alan Pardew, last night warned that the eyes of the world are on the football authorities, "You know how it is, Man U and these bigger teams get the longest straw and get away with murder and worse. If the authorities let this go then the fans will be up in arms. This is a chance for the authorities to show that everyone is equal in the eyes and ears of the legislature." Ironically, an alien may actually be above the law - a theory which has been troubling Parliament in the last few days.

Alex Ferguson is said to be furious about the story hitting the media. As yet, the whistleblower remains unknown, but this may not be for long. Witness outside Old Trafford claimed to have seen some men carrying a rack and other "nasty" looking equipment into the building. This morning, Darren Fletcher was seen hobbling to his Ferrari apparently in great pain, aided by a black-eyed Paul Scholes. Rio Ferdinand, however, is said to have missed his appointment having wandered of on one of his thoughtful walks. Man U have ordered a search party to retrieve him. Meanwhile, reports from the AC Milan training ground say that David Beckham is in "high spirits".

This singular story has erupted at a time when Man U wanted complete focus on their objective of winning the Champions' League and Premier League. The hope for a quiet preparation has been blown out of the water. Manchester United are a club accustomed to being watched, the coming weeks, however, will take this scrutiny to an unprecedented level.

The footy fatigian will bring you the latest when we have it.